Susan M.

Diagnosis: Hodgkin's disease, Stage II, January 21, 1994
Treatment: Chemotherapy (ABVD) and radiation

Profession: Certified public accountant

I found a lump in my neck. I was at work, in a meeting, and I felt a bump. After the meeting I ran to the bathroom and there it was, sticking right out of my neck. Why hadn't I noticed it before? I thought I'd been bitten by a spider, but when it didn't go away, I went to see my doctor. My usual internist was on maternity leave and by sheer chance, Dr. Barbara Kane saw me that day. Although I was worried about seeing a doctor I did not know, it turned out to be the best thing that happened to me. After blood work and an X-ray, she gave me the first glimpse of the bad news to come, but it still did not quite sink in. "This lump on your neck is just the tip of the iceberg," she said. "There's a large mass beneath your sternum." She had already contacted a surgeon and I had an appointment for that same afternoon. The surgeon scheduled a biopsy for two days later. Things were happening too fast to register with me. The roller coaster ride had begun. Surgery was scheduled for Friday. All of us were there to hear the news, my parents from Connecticut, David (my husband) and his mother, Helen Murphy. It was malignant. I heard those words but everything after that was a blur. I could see their mouths moving but I didn't hear any of the words. I saw the shock on their faces but not on my own. We went home in silence.

A CT-scan two days later confirmed the results and I was back in Dr. Kane's office the following Tuesday. Prepared as always, she had already contacted an oncologist, Michael Grossbard, and I was scheduled to see him two days later. Barely a week had passed and so much had happened. I will forever be grateful to Dr. Kane for my quick and accurate diagnosis and special care I received. Dr. Grossbard was my second gift. He's a wonderful oncologist. I felt very comfortable with him and as in control as one can be in these circumstances. I did have several choices to make now. My cancer was borderline between Stage 1 and Stage 2. The treatment can differ between the two - radiation therapy alone or chemotherapy and radiation. I ultimately choose both radiation and chemotherapy, a more aggressive treatment but one with a higher cure rate, 90-95 percent.

I had a second, more painful, decision to make though. I was 32 years old with no children yet. I had delayed having a family to further my career but now I had a 50/50 chance of being in menopause after treatment. I thought, I may never become a mom. This isn't how I had things planned.

The real irony is that for four agonizing years prior to my diagnosis, I had been desperately trying to have a baby. I was being treated at Mass. General for infertility. Having a child was all I thought of for four years. I'd see a pregnant woman or a small child and I'd be in tears. It took the diagnosis of cancer to break that horrible cycle. We had tried artificial insemination three times without success. We were about to attempt in-vitro fertilization when I was diagnosed. I had to decide whether to delay chemotherapy to allow time to freeze embryos. How could I be thinking about that at a time like this? But the delay in treatment scared me. I could not wait the six to eight weeks it could take to complete the IVF cycle. I just wanted the cancer out of my body.

So I decided I would go through with the cancer treatment and hope that maybe, just maybe, I could still be a mom after I was done. Amazingly, this was a much easier decision than I'd expected, considering the four previous years of agony. Ironically, on the day I was to begin my IVF cycle, I instead had my first chemo treatment. I didn't look back on that decision. I was focused on getting well.

My first chemo treatment was painful. The drugs burned through my veins. Treatment went much better after a Port-A-Cath was installed. I was supposed to have treatments every other week for six months, but when I showed up for my second treatment, my blood counts were much too low to withstand another treatment. We waited a third week and my counts went up and I thought, great. Unfortunately, this kept happening and each treatment was delayed further and further. The answer was Neupogen shots. Although extremely painful and self administered (by my husband; I was too chicken), they did boost my white blood cell count and put my treatments back on schedule.

I did my best to continue to work during my treatments in an effort to retain some normalcy. I'd have chemo Friday and had planned to recuperate in time to return to work by Monday or Tuesday. But as treatment progressed, this proved more and more difficult. I did, however, have a wonderful support network at work. My boss at the time, Cathy Tomey, allowed me to make whatever schedule I needed. My staff rose to the occasion and kept the department in peak form despite my unusual schedule. Cathy would send me home with dinner the day before treatment. When I ran out of sick time, Cathy led the effort within the office to remedy that. My co-workers donated their own vacation time to me so I could have paid time off during my illness. It still brings tears to my eyes today. I will always be grateful to Cathy and my other co-workers who helped me in more ways than they may realize.

Another person to whom I will always be grateful in my mother-in-law, Helen Murphy. She was the one who took me to all my treatments when my family, who live a long distance away, couldn't be there. She helped me with things at home. She made sure the refrigerator was full. She helped me keep a positive attitude, and she encouraged me to talk about what was happening in my life. Most important of all, I have a wonderful husband who was always beside me, encouraging me. It was with all their support that I made it through the low points. About three-quarters of the way through treatment, the chemo was proving toxic to my lungs. The tissue was hardening and I was having trouble breathing, so the doctor changed my chemo regimen. I was hospitalized for a time with an infection but I finished chemotherapy at the end of July with the help of Neupogen and Epogen shots. I was bald at this point of course, but actually, I didn't mind being bald. I knew it was only a temporary side effect so I had fun with it. It was the permanent side effects I worried about, like never being a mom.

I took the month of August off before starting radiation in September. I had radiation treatments five days a week for about 27 days. It wasn't as bad as I thought, although it fatigued me greatly. I lost all saliva in my mouth. I couldn't swallow, couldn't eat or drink. I became so weak I had to stop working altogether. I seemed to measure success in terms of how quickly I was able to get back to work, so being out for six weeks straight felt like a failure to me. When I did go back I was greeted with such warmth and sincerity it made me feel wonderful.

A year passed and I began to feel human again. It turned out I was not in menopause. The doctors gave me the go-ahead to try to have a baby. The decision to try again was a difficult one. Would I have a recurrence? I wondered if the fertility drugs would put me at risk for other cancers. I didn't want to have a child if it was going to grow up without a mother. But I truly believed I'd beaten the cancer and I'd be fine. All my doctors seemed to agree. We decided to try just one IVF cycle, just once. If it didn't work it was not meant to be. So about a year after treatment ended we went through an IVF cycle but it was not successful. It wasn't long before I said, "David, can we try just one more time?" The second try worked. Four eggs were implanted and one embryo took. Ashley was born Nov. 15, 1996. She's the best thing that ever happened to me. She makes me laugh and smile and fills every day with joy for David and me. The stakes are somehow higher now with Ashley in the picture. I have to stay well to be here for her. I sometimes think about recurrence but I hope I'll be here to see Ashley through all the milestones in her life. Right now I take every day as a gift and enjoy it.

There's no doubt - my life after cancer is so much better than life before cancer, thanks to Ashley. One thing I have learned through all this is there is always hope, always, for those of us living with cancer. A heartfelt thanks to everyone at MGH for giving me and my daughter the gift of life.