In the ideal world, people would marry only once. They would meet the right mate and then marry and raise a family with that person. There would be no reason to live apart or divorce. Children would reap all the benefits of a two parent, supportive, loving home. According to the National Center for Health Statistics, there were approximately 1.2 million divorces in 2003 in the United States.
But, as we all know, the world is far from perfect. All too often, marriages fall apart. In fact, today about one out of every two marriages ends in divorce. If there are no children involved, the two parties may settle their differences, complete the required legal documents and go their separate ways. After the terms of the divorce are finalized, there may be little or no reason to have any contact.
On the other hand, when there are children, there are a host of additional issues. One of the most important is where the children will live. Judges are supposed to award custody based on what is best for the child. Young children commonly have very little say in this matter. But, as a teen, one is older and more communicative. And, judges will generally heed a teen’s preferences. They will consider the adolescent’s input as one of many factors. Sometimes custody decisions are fairly straightforward. One parent clearly offers a far better and more stable home than the other. For example, if one parent is a responsible working person and a loving and caring individual and the other parent is a drug dealer, the judge will give primary custody to the better parent. Or if the teen obviously does far better with one parent than the other, the judge will want the teen to spend more time in the environment in which he thrives.
What are some of the ways that judges determine where children should live? A judge will tend to favor the parent who has a history of caring for the teen. Who prepares the teen’s food? Who takes the teen to the doctor? Who buys the teen’s clothing?
Who attends the teen’s athletic events? Who knows what size shoe the teen wears? Who has overseen the teen’s religious instruction? In other words, the judge attempts to determine who knows the teen well. Who will be more sensitive to the teen’s needs, especially during the difficult emotional times ahead?
Unless a parent is unable to care for a child or is abusive, it is well known that whenever possible children and teens should maintain close contact with both parents. Children and teens who have relationships with both parents tend to do better than those who live in single parent situations. It is best to have a certain, prearranged, structured plan. Then the adolescent will know where he or she is supposed to be, and there will be less confusion. Thus, the teen will spend certain periods of time with both parents. Holidays and school vacations should also be coordinated in advance. While these can be changed, it does help to have some system in place. There have been many cases in which divorcing parents have purchased homes relatively near each other so that the children will have easy access to both parents. That does reduce the tension and emotional upheaval that the children experience.
Unfortunately, most divorces are not “friendly,” and, all too often, the children, who are innocent victims in this process, find that they are caught between the continuously warring parents. Denying custody to the other parent and maintaining greater amounts of control over the teen are ways to vent anger and rage at the ex-spouse. All too often, parents are caught up in their own feelings and fail to factor in the needs of their children. They will talk endlessly about the negative characteristics of their former spouse; they will pick fights over the tiniest of details. By continuing a senseless battle, parents inflict longterm and permanent damage on their children. And, it is not uncommon for teens caught in these situations to act out at school, at home or at work. They may be at risk for substance abuse and violent behavior. It is always best for all involved parties if parents refrain from speaking negatively about the other parent and his or her family.
Yet, there are legitimate reasons to reevaluate the custody arrangements. The living situation may have changed dramatically. Perhaps the ex-spouse has a new live-in companion. A parent may not want teens exposed to such an arrangement. Or, the ex-spouse may have lost a job and is failing to provide for the children. Or, one parent may live in a community with a stronger school system. There might be drug use in front of the children. Sometimes the ex-spouse may wish to move far away—maybe to accept a new job. Such a separation from the other parent, siblings and peers is another wrenching trauma for a teen and may precipitate a huge crisis in the teen’s life. In the worse case scenarios, the ex-spouse may be drinking alcoholic beverages with the teen or introducing the teen to illegal drugs such as marijuana.
How can a teen cope when surrounded by so much turmoil and pain? The adolescent should stay focused on their own needs including their academic work and grades. The teen should share their thoughts with their friends, teachers, employers and school counselor. Teens need a great deal of support to get through these times. There are support groups for teens whose parents are divorcing. One could attend a few meetings. A teen may be surprised at how much can be learned from these groups including strategies for coping.
What if the teen does not like his or her custodial arrangements? If the living environment is unsafe in any way, one must alert an adult and get help. There is no reason for an adolescent to remain in a home in which there could be harm. But if the home environment is generally satisfactory, then a teen should make the best of the situation. Teens can do other things to help in a difficult custodial arrangement:
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Grow closer to a sibling or friend
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Become active in one’s school
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Keep oneself busy
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A teen could spend as much time as allowed with the other parent
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Teens should know that the years pass quickly. Once an adolescent reaches age 18, then he or she will be able to live legally wherever they wish.
Related topics:
Child abuse and domestic violence, separation anxiety, stepfamilies
